The Open Circle

What is the proper response to a knock on the bathroom door when you’re sitting on the toilet? Is there a response that does not result in awkwardness?

Consider the following responses:
*knock knock*

“Hello..”

“Yes?”

“I’m in here!”

“Occupied!”

“*cough*”

You can’t help but feel awkward after responding with any of the above. To help alleviate the awkwardness, your natural reflex is to try and look cool about it — at this point you’re sitting on the can, pants at the ankles, trying to look cool, but you are all alone. Who are we trying to impress here? The next several moments consist of you playing back the scenario in your head, in an attempt to justify to yourself whether the brief verbal exchange was handled optimally.

Veteran toileteers will anticipate an incoming bathroom knock, and take every precaution they can to prevent the awkward encounter. The strategies include:

- coughing loudly

- reaching for the tap and turning it on full blast

- clearing your throat

- blowing your nose

- violently ripping off tissue paper from the roll

Of course these petty strategies result in self-awkwardness, as you realize how silly it was to go to the lengths you just did to evade the bathroom query. However, nobody has to know your ulterior motives; as you walk away, wallowing in your pool of awkwardness, life goes on.